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Sometimes we just want to say no to watching the grandkids, but there’s something stopping us from setting boundaries. Guilt. We are grandparents, after all. Shouldn’t we WANT to watch the grandkids?
Of course we love our grandchildren, but the reality is that we’re not always up to it.
The truth is, when I was a young mother, I assumed the grandparents would always want to babysit. My son was, after all, the only grandchild!
Now that I’m in my 50’s, I see the error of my ways.
It wasn’t fair of me to think of the grandparents in that way. When my in-law finally said no, I felt anger and disappointment. I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to say no. I’m ashamed to admit it now.
I can’t believe that I never considered that she might have better things to do than watch my own child every day.
In this post, I’ve come up with 5 ways to help you feel more comfortable saying no to watching the grandkids.
Keep reading to learn how to set healthy boundaries without destroying a close relationship with your adult children.
What Would a Clinical Psychologist Say About Saying No to Watching the Grandkids?
Psychologists stress that it’s crucial to prioritize your own mental and physical health.
Overcommitting to babysitting can lead to burnout, resentment, and even affect your relationship with your grandchildren.
By saying “no” to watching the grandkids sometimes, you’re practicing self-care, which ultimately benefits everyone.
Setting limits helps avoid emotional exhaustion and protects your ability to be fully present when you do spend time with your grandchildren.
Psychologists like Dr. Brené Brown emphasize the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in relationships. Saying no when needed, without guilt, models healthy self-respect and encourages others to do the same.
Dr. John Townsend, co-author of Boundaries, suggests that saying no can help prevent dependency and encourage adult children to develop alternative support systems for their childcare needs.
Why You’re The Go-To Babysitter and How to Say No To Watching the Grandkids
It’s easy to forget what it was like when we raised our own kids. My family members were always there to lend a helping hand, and I appreciated it so much.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to fall into the habit of relying soley on family for babysitting duties.
Nobody in my family ever said “no” to watching the grandkids, but I could sense that they were getting tired of being asked. That’s when I decided it was time to find a reliable, trustworthy babysitter.
Of course you love your precious grandkids.
You want to be there for them to cherish special memories.
The reality is, being a grandparent is so much more than just a babysitting job. It also shouldn’t be your next part-time job, unless you want it to be.
That said, there are many good reasons why young parents look to their own family for childcare assistance.
For example:
- the grandchildren are comfortable with you
- they trust you with their own children
- they can’t afford the cost of regular day care
- you offer peace of mind for working parents
The problem, mentioned earlier in this post, is when you start to feel taken advantage of. But it’s so hard to say no!
The following 5 ways to say no to watching the grandkids aren’t necessariy easy to do.
However, with some conviction and belief in your own self worth, it can be done.
5 Polite Ways to Say NO to Watching the Grandkids
The reality is that we’re older now and we don’t always feel like watching the grandkids.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m just too tired. If the arthritis is flaring, it’s actually too painful to be an active caregiver. Some of us have physical limitations that warrant saying no to watching the grandkids.
These are the things we need to remember, and voice to our own adult children.
Naturally, we want to be there all the time when they’ve had the first baby. Who doesn’t want to cuddle the first grandchild all day?
Those babies, however, quickly become active young kids. The fact is we’re all built differently. If you’re lucky, you may have a ton of stamina and a pain-free existence your whole life.
Then again, you might be struggling with painful arthritis or other health problems.
The point is, there are many valid reasons to say no to babysitting your grandchildren. And that’s okay!
I hope the following suggestions are useful in helping to assert your decisions.
1. Be Honest
I think it’s important not to be wishy-washy here.
You really don’t need an appointment on your calendar, or a stiff back to say no. You don’t have to be rude about it, but it’s okay if you just don’t feel up to it.
It’s perfectly okay to want to leave your day open for other things.
For one thing, you may still be working a full-time job. Not every grandparent is retired! Let your kids know that you’re tired and you need a day off from responsiblities.
Even if you are retired, it’s okay to want to leave your day open.
You might say something like, “Thanks for asking, I love seeing (insert name). Unfortunately, I’m just not up to it today.”
Of course, that will probably lead you into a whole conversation about what’s going on. Are you sick? Is everything okay? Can you just watch them for an hour? What about tomorrow? And so on.
You’re allowed to have your own plans!
Just remember that it’s okay if you don’t have a concrete reason, or you don’t feel comfortable telling your adult children what your plans are.
Maybe you have a date! If that’s the case, you might want to read First Date Etiquette for People Over 50.
You can say there’s nothing wrong and you’re perfectly well! You may need to verbalize that you just want time for yourself.
2. Offer Alternatives or a Compromise When You Say No To Watching The Grandkids
Sometimes just saying “no” to watching the grandkids seems harsh. It shouldn’t, but it does. Offering a compromise or an alternative might be a good way to soften the blow.
For example, you might suggest a more manageable arrangement, such as setting specific days or times for babysitting, or helping in other ways that work for you.
Other options to consider include the following:
- offer to be a back-up to the regular babysitter should an emergency arise
- offer to be the bridge between your grandchild’s regular childcare and the time the parents get home from work
- offer to pick up the kids or drop them off for certain school activities if that helps
- agree on one day a week or even a half day a week if you can (and want) to do that
3. Stay Consistent and Firm When You Say No to Watching the Grandkids
Once you’ve set the boundary, it’s important to stick to it. Politely remind them of your limits if they keep asking.
This approach is kind, clear, and focused on maintaining a respectful relationship while protecting your own needs.
This isn’t easy. You may get drawn into a long conversation where you feel obliged to recite your reasons over and over again. You shouldn’t have to do that.
4. Help Solve a Problem When You Say No To Watching The Grandkids
If you’re constantly being asked to babysit the grandchildren, there could be a hidden reason behind the requests.
For example, maybe they haven’t budgeted for a regular babysitter. They may not have a contingency plan for days when a sitter will be required.
Having conversations about what’s going on in their lives might help you to identify weak areas.
You might offer to babysit this time, but offer concrete suggestions to help them better prepare for the future.
For example, talk about what plans they have for after-school childcare before their children begin school. These conversations can help get the ball rolling. You could offer to help research facilities or get recommendations on good babysitters in the area.
5. Be Prepared for Backlash After Saying No To Watching The Grandkids
Don’t be surprised if you get a little backlash.
Setting boundaries is relatively easy. Keeping them is what’s difficult. Your adult children may have grown so accustomed to your help that they’ve grown to depend on it.
In this case, you may have to back off slowly.
You might want to gradually wean from your babysitting responsibilities instead of cutting it out completely. Whatever you decide to do, be prepared to stand your ground.
The reactions can vary, but here are some common responses you might encounter and ways to handle them.
Acknowleding Disappointment After Saying No to Watching the Grandkids
Your grown children might initially feel disappointed or let down, especially if they rely on you for childcare.
This reaction is natural, as they might not have considered how much they’ve been depending on you.
Acknowledge their disappointment without apologizing for setting boundaries.
You can say something like, “I understand this might be difficult, but I need to take care of myself too. Let’s find a way that works for both of us.”
Don’t Give In To Guilt Trips When Saying No to Watching the Grandkids
Some adult children might try to make you feel guilty for not helping, intentionally or unintentionally. They may say things like, “But you’re their grandparent!” or, “We really need you.”
- Stand firm in your decision to say no to watching the grandkids and avoid getting drawn into guilt.
- You might respond with, “I love spending time with them, but I also need to set limits for myself. I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution.”
Your children might become frustrated or even angry, especially if they’re in a bind and feel like they have no other childcare options.
Deflect Any Accusations After Saying No to Watching the Grandkids
They might accuse you of being selfish or not caring enough, particularly if they’re stressed. This is often an emotional response, rooted in their own frustration or anxiety.
Gently but firmly remind them that taking care of yourself allows you to be a better parent and grandparent when you are available.
You might say, “I care deeply, but I also need to balance my own needs. I’m here to support in other ways.”
Remind your adult children how you help in other ways
Sometimes you have to give people (including your adult children) a broader perspective. It’s easy for them to become short-sighted in the face of raising a child and all the other stressors that come with that.
There’s probably no use in comparing how you handled similar situations when you were raising them. They’ll probably say that times have changed. And they have.
Instead, remind them of all the ways you’ve helped, and will continue to help.
Maybe you’ve helped them financially, or maybe you’re the one who makes sure the grandkids have a place to go after school until the parents get home from work.
You might be the person who contributes to school bake sales and other fundraising efforts.
Do you help tutor the grandchildren or help them with homework? Do you help out with errands such as grocery shopping or picking up items for the kids?
Do you have the family over for holiday meals and special occasions?
These are all examples of small but meaningul ways a grandparent contributes to helping grandchildren, without commiting to regular babysitting.
Again, it’s easy for family’s to overlook these small but important gestures. If required, you may need to gently remind them of all the ways you contribute to the family’s well-being.
Your Life Over 50 Doesn’t Have to Revolve Around Babysitting
There are just as many things going on in your life as there are in the lives of your adult children. Whether it’s hobbies you love, friends you meet on a regular basis, or a second wedding you’re trying to plan…it all adds up to busy days.
It’s not unusual these days for people over 50 and beyond to be on the dating scene again, or forging a new way of life.
Your adult children might see these things as secondary to their own needs. This is why it’s so important to remain steady in your convictions.
That doesn’t mean you’re saying you’ll never watch the grandkids again. You’re just saying no to being the permanent sitter.
Helpful Resources When Looking For Ways to Say No To Watching the Grandkids
The following resources may help.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
Summary
Not every grandparent wants to become a part-time babysitter, and that’s okay. It can be, however, hard to say no to watching the grandkids.
Healthy family’s support each other in a multitude of ways, including occasional child care.
It only becomes a problem when the grandparents begin to feel taken advantage of. If that sounds like you, it might be time to set some boundaries.
Talking to your adult children about how you’re feeling might be difficult. It might even cause a temporary rift in your relationship. Hopefully, that’s not the case.
Be honest about how you’re feeling. Sometimes it helps to have a few solutions or ideas at hand to help your adult child see that there are alternatives.
At the end of the day, you probably just want the time and space to love and nurture your grandchildren without having to make a long-term commitment to childcare.
It’s better to have the conversation before you’re overwhelmed and tired. Having a conversation about you’re feeling will be better received than letting it turn into an argument.
